Maxim magazine released its "Hot 100" list today. I take pride in the fact that I have never bought an issue of Maxim - its a magazine that frat boys read while waiting to get their hair cut - but its Hot 100 list has always had a special sort of cache. Unfortunately, they screw their list up every year and it takes somebody like me to set the record straight. This is the sort of analysis you just don't get anywhere else.
-#2: Megan Fox's 2009 is so far above and beyond the competition that its ridiculous; if this was sports she would be the 1996 Chicago Bulls. It was a travesty that she wasn't picked #1.
-#1: Olivia Wilde - Pretty girl, but doesn't belong at the top of a list like this.
-#9: Jordana Brewster - Okay, she was born in Panama, but, for the love of God, she's not a "native." Her grand-father and great-grandfathers were both presidents of Yale; her father is a white Yale graduate finance millionaire from Connecticut who married a Brazillian model who just happened to be in Panama when she gave birth. Brewster is a terrible actress getting by on connections alone and has done nothing since 1997 other than briefly date Derek Jeter and reprise her role as Mia to diminishing returns in the three Fast and the Furious movies, which would be a sad resume even if the original wasn't so shitty to begin with. FAIL.
-#3: Bar Refaeli - Drop-dead gorgeous, but her eyes are so icy and she's so coldy perfect that until I see her expressionless face crack a smile I'm staying away because she's probably a robot from the future.
-#5: Mila Kunis - Perhaps my #2. Exotic brunettes are the new black.
-#9: Rihanna - Forgive me if this doesn't sound very PC, but I used to dislike her because she has a fivehead, and now I dislike her because she wouldn't stand up for herself after Chris Brown kicked her ass.
-#10: Jennifer Love HewiOH my god I just bored myself to sleep. When The Onion runs a video about how you're so desperate for attention that you'll pay a tabloid millions of dollars to print photos of your child, and a lot of people don't think its a joke because you're a C-list celebrity who was briefly popular 12 years ago and hasn't done anything since then, its probably a bad sign for your career, and when you appear in the top of of Maxim's 'hot list,' you're either sleeping with its editor or else your publicist so good at her job that she won't be working for you very much longer.
-#11: Jessica Biel - Now we're talking. #3 in my book.
-#13: Jessica Alba - Its funny how an utter lack of talent can take the shine off one's star, isn't it? Alba or Biel? Is anybody other than Justin Timberlake allowed to have an opinion on the matter?
-#14: Christina Aguleira - As I've said before, I'm still not entirely convinced she isn't a transvestite.
-#16: Gina Carano - Gina Carano isn't pretty. She's just the only person involved in Mixed Martial Arts who doesn't have a penis. Get over it.
#18: Marissa Miller - Should be in the top five, if not the top 3, and of any of the contenders she looks like she's the most likely to stop by the Double Deuce for a beer. One of the few all-American-looking women on a list that emphasizes the exotic.
-#24: Eva Mendes - What can we saw - we are Eva Mendes fans. And she's one of the only women on the list who actually comes across as funny and likeable and cool in interviews. Which is good, because we respect her for her mind.
-#34: Scarlett Johansson - She should be in the top five and if you're not excited about seeing her play the Black Widow in Iron Man 2 then I don't know what to tell you.
-#53: Kim Kardashian - She's not pretty, she's looks like a drag queen doing an impression of Cher, and she's famous for having a big ass and getting fucked on the the internet. Remind me again what the appeal is supposed to be?
-#64: Fergie - Get this space alien off of my computer screen before my face melts like the Nazi scientist at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.
-#82: Heidi Montag - This person has been world famous for about three years and I sitll have literally no idea what she does for a living other than get nailed by the douchebag sun of a fomer Olympic decathlete.